Lists

The poo list.

Name	Web address	Description

Plaster poo		Much like the TNT poo, this one doesn't wait to explode into the bowl, it does it as soon as it's clear of the hole plastering your chute.

TNT poo		This one explodes and deposits poo all round the bowl. Works best if you have been eating either sweetcorn or peanuts as it produces a nice pebble dashed effect.

Mexican poo.		Also called 'mexican screamers' or 'ring stingers'; you know it's safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.

Morning after poo.		Happens the morning after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell that bad, but THIS ONE ... usually you're at someone else's house (often someone you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside the bathroom needing to use it.

Snake poo.		This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least 3 foot long. Also known as a Mr. Whippy.

Pop a vein in your forehead poo		This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you are all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bricks and mortar poo		It comes out in such a large, hard brick that you wish you had got an epidural injection before you pooed.

Wish poo		You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Wet cheeks poo		This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the launching of the QEII soaking your butt.

Corky poo		Also known as 'floaters'. Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it ? Go AWAY !

Goo poo.		This one has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the bowl. Often happens when you're out at parties

Kong poo		This one's so big you don't think it will go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coathanger usually does the job. Another kind of poo that will usually happen in someone else's house.

Instamatic poo		You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there and it usually gets it's head out before you can get your pants down.

Weight watchers poo		You poo so much that you lose several kilograms.

Indescisive poo		You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise there's more to come.

Teflon poo		So slick that you didn't even feel it. There's no poo on the paper and you have to look to see if it actually happened. Can be confusing if it coincides with the ghost poo.

Ghost poo		You know you've done it, it's on the paper, but where the hell is it ?